Surviving the Grieving Process - What to Expect

Grieving for a Loved One? Read About the Bereavement Cycle

Aug 20, 2009 Christine Fadhley

Grieving is a process that has to be experienced and resolved. Find out more about the grieving process here.

Grieving, whether for a loved one or for a different sort of loss, can happen to anyone at any time. It makes sense to have a better understanding of how this process works.

What is the Grieving Process?

The death of a loved one causes losses on many levels. That person may have been a source of many types of emotional or practical support. Grieving is a way of adapting to change in order to become a whole and independent person again. For couples, the loss of one partner means adapting to life as a single person - or maybe as a single parent.

The Stages of Grieving

Each person's grief is unique to them and may be influenced by factors such as their relationship to the deceased, whether there were unresolved issues between them, how dependent they were upon the deceased and and whether the death was sudden or due to a long process of illness.

The process has no set time-scale and some people will move to and fro within the stages depending upon their individual situation. Some people may get permanently stuck somewhere in the process, but most will get through it and come out of it feeling whole and able to cope with life again.

Denial - The First Stage of the Grieving Process

Often the first reaction is shock, numbness, disbelief or denial. Dr. Colin Murray Parkes has also added what he calls "Alarm", a feeling of anxiety that can strike the newly bereaved and cause panic attacks, palpitations or even nervous breakdown. Pangs of grief - psychological pain and weeping - usually start during the first few days and peak within 5 - 14 days. One may be "seeking" the deceased as if they are still around. There can also be physical pain.

Anger - The Second Stage of the Grieving Process

Once the situation has been accepted anger may arise. Dr. Parkes describes, from a study of widows, that they felt irritable and bitter to the point of feeling physically unwell. There may be a "need" to lay blame for what has happened.

There can also be an element of self blame - "If only I had ....." feelings. There may also be unresolved issues that existed between the deceased and the survivor. Due to the finality of death there is no way of changing the situation and so guilt may set in.

Depression - The Third Stage of the Grieving Process

An important stage of the process, that shouldn't be interfered with, is the stage where the bereaved person understands and feels sadness about his/her situation. It is natural to feel sad for the enormous losses and changes that have taken place in one's life. In this stage the bereaved need support and an opportunity to talk about their feelings.

Acceptance - The Fourth Stage of the Grieving Process

This stage is where the bereaved person eventually accepts what has happened. It is characterized by a greater sense of peace. This is a time when they will start to function as a whole person again and are able to adapt to their new life with more confidence. They may start to rebuild their life by seeking out new interests and experiences.

The Three Year Model of Grieving

In her book The Empty Bed, Susan Wallbank suggests that grieving can be a three year process where the first year is the worst. In the second year people feel more able to start rebuilding their lives and by the third year the seeds of their new life can start to bear fruit. However some experience more "complex" grief where there are unresolved issues, guilt or other family problems that slow down the process.

Bereavement Counseling Can Help the Process of Grieving

For those who aren't coping with grief it is a good idea to find somebody to talk to. One organization that offers free bereavement counseling in the UK is Cruse. It is important to start getting out and about rather than remaining isolated. Many people have used walking clubs as ways of making new friends and staying healthy.

References

Dr. Colin Murray Parkes, Bereavement: Studies of Grief in Adult Life, Pelican

The Empty Bed by Susan Wallbank, pub. Darton, Longman & Todd, London

ISBN 0-232-51853-X

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Grieving is a Process that ends in Acceptance

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